Written by: Jorinde Berben
Image credit: pexels.com
It’s Thursday today, and I didn’t write a blog post yesterday. That means I should write one now, but I have a hard time thinking of anything to write about. There doesn’t seem to be anything really pressing at the moment, or anything that really engages my attention this week. My energy, my mood, my mind… they have all just gone quiet.
It’s a strange thing because I notice that this quiet is at times unsettling. I don’t really get excited about things, or want to do things. In that way, it echoes some of the feelings from my depression. I also notice that I have a tendency to withdraw and find it harder to deal with noise or discord. Yet, at the same time, I don’t feel depressed per sé. I’m still quite able to take care of myself and my children and don’t get as anxious about most things.
So I find myself going between being mentally worried because I don’t really feel much and not actually feeling worried because there’s this sense of stillness.
When I write about this, my instincts point me in two possible directions for this weird state of being. One is pretty straightforward: it could all just be related to hormones and my cycle. I’ve been reading up on the influence our cycle has on us (future blog posts will surely follow on this topic) and find that learning about the impact my cycle has makes it much easier to deal with each phase.
The other direction I’m invited to look at is that of suppressed emotions. In the past, not feeling anything was often a consequence of feeling so much that I needed to repress those feelings. This could lead to angry outbursts, anxiety or depression (which usually includes the two former ones).
It’s hard to tell, at this time, which of these is the most likely. The good thing is, I’ll know in about a week or so whether the first theory makes any sense.
In the meantime, I try to pay attention to what’s happening inside of me, inside my body, mind and how I act. Do I seem like I’m self-preserving? And if so, what threats am I protecting myself from?
I am also reminded of the words of a wonderful woman, Joey Brown, who said to me once: “Whatever is going on in my life, I try to stay in movement, whatever that may look like”. Movement can be a walk in the park, cleaning up a room, a conversation or writing. It keeps us from freezing or becoming paralyzed on the spot.
I’m giving myself permission to make my movements small, and to make them quitely. I wonder where they will take me.