Written by: Jorinde Berben
Image credit: Jorinde Berben
The thing about energy is that it is, in and of itself, non-discriminatory. It can go wherever it is sent, intentionally or unintentionally. It is just there. There is no good energy or bad energy, there’s just energy that we use for something that we label as good or bad. A fire can give warmth as well as destroy entire towns.
Lately, I’ve been feeling that the energy has just kind of left my body completely. Today we were driving back from a short get-away and I noticed that my body felt really heavy. My arms seemed impossible to lift. It cost me tremendous energy to open my eyes so I just kept them closed for most of the ride, finding myself drifting in and out of dreams and thoughts.
This exhaustion sort of came as a surprise because I had slept quite well the night before, better than I had done in weeks. Yet the heaviness didn’t only feel like I didn’t have any energy left, it also felt like there was actually a ton of energy that was stuck and was weighing me down.
We had spent the previous day in a group of people working with the energy of the group. Although I usually feel quite comfortable in a session with like-minded individuals, that day I noticed how vulnerable I felt. These days, my defences are down and it takes me a lot of effort to protect myself. In a group of strangers, it’s just not easy to share your deepest fears and aches (yet somehow the internet makes the ideal place for this, which is strange in and of itself…). So I was left with suppressing those feelings and thoughts as well as I could, which takes tremendous amounts of energy.
At the same time, yesterday was also a time of allowing that heaviness to fully be felt, and for the tiredness to take us where it wanted to. I slept for part of the session, we took time to rest afterwards and went to bed early. It is possible that my body heard the message: ‘It’s finally okay to rest’ and really took it to heart.
I know the energy is not gone from my system. When I did a breathing session with my therapist a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that energy vibrate through me so strongly it felt like I was plugged into a socket. Perhaps I can allow myself to guide this energy toward firing up the processes that help me dissolve old issues, and in the meantime take all the rest I need to recharge.
At some point, this fire will burn for me again. At some point, I’ll be able to direct his energy toward my own goals and life again. At some point, it will turn into the light again.